Rocky Road...

Wow, I was feeling so great what the heck happened!!!!! I started the vest two days ago and I feel like I have been beaten with a bat and have had my head held under a vat of water. I can't get a good breath and am hurting like crazy. I feel terrible because I can't do anything with Amanda, I see the worry on her face when I sit here and have my coughing 'fits' I get in my moods too, I can't help it I feel so stressed out. I just don't know what more I can do to get the mucous out of me. I am on 4 different nebulizer meds about 6 pills which is 5 less than I'm supposed to take, I just can't afford all of them! Ray's working his butt off to pay for stuff around here and I still seem to always have to ask him for mor money by the end of the month. This month is was for 4 other meds and gas to get my diabetic training education, tomorrow it's pulmonary rehab. That's another thing. This weather; I'm supposed to stay in when it's this hot but what do you do? I have to go if I want to make my lungs healthier. I just don't have much hope with a lung volume of 27% is that so wrong of me. I went to the library to find more info on cystic fibrosis and came across a book named, A Little Love Story by Roland Meruilo. He's a weird character in the book, a little hard to read but the story has touched so many cords. His charater has fallen in love with a gal w/ c.f. She's like 27 and he's a yr or so into the relationship and her lung volume is 27% like mine and she talks about the fact that most people she knows w/ that lung volume are dead and now I'm to the point where she has left the hospital to die. The problem I see with my situation is that I don't want to be home to die. I don't want my family to see that. Especially Amanda, Ray can't handle it either. He doesn't know how to care for me in that way. I am so disappointed. I was on such a 'high' this past weekend I cleaned the house and such and now I'm down and out physically and mentally. I want to organize my craft room, maybe I can sit in there and get some stuff done? It's good to have goals. Time for more meds... Well, till next time.