School is soon to start!

Warning; this reads more like a journal, if you don't wish to hear my personal ramblings STOP here! School starts here this coming Tuesday and with it I have more free time to craft and ramble and keep up blogging. With C.F. blogging has been very therapeutic for me. It's a release to be able to vent, talk just type my feelings and thoughts. I have had such a turn around in my health, I put a bad marriage behind me, and it literally saved my life. My Drs. kept telling me what a huge role stress plays in our health. I never "got" it until not only the divorce was over but until my inner healing began. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. With it came giving up financial security, my family home and just not having to worry so much about things. Looking back now after therapy and time, I've realized that with that security I paid bigger price. We fought, constantly. He would never visit me when I was in the hospital for weeks at a time, even when I called and begged for clean undies! (mind you his work was less than 15 mins from me) It was just awful, it wasn't good for anyone at all. My daughter had to hear that discord all of the time! In one of our marriage counseling sessions, I made a statement and the rebuttal statement made my decision to go home and start getting my ducks in a row to leave him. I said, "I feel like you are just with me because you don't want to be the guy that leaves the sick girl." His reply was, "That's probably true." I did not want to be in a relationship out of pity, after all, who would? He has been raised in that environment of putting on a show for the public. Through many arguments there were too many hateful things spoken, there just was no fixing things anymore, turning back.
I must say now that I have healed and gotten over the heartache of not being loved back and stopped placing the blame on my shoulders I know it was the absolute right and only decision that gave us both peace and happiness. I have recently watched, 65 Red Roses, she was a CF patient that had a double lung transplant and as weird or crazy as this may sound. I can relate to her post transplant life. I myself do not chose to go through that but the divorce to me was my transplant. I have felt like I can breathe again! I feel so much better about myself, words can be your worst enemy. I know I am not a bitch, I am not stupid, I am not irresponsible. I am an independent woman, I do the best I can do and I love myself again. To me that is the greatest gift I gave to myself and to my children. It's awesome to know if I died tomorrow I have found my inner peace, truly believe in myself again and don't think I'm such a piece of crap! It really has been a journey worth taking. I know I am not perfect, but it is so freeing to not HAVE to be perfect, it was a rough job walking on egg shells and never being good enough. Being bawled out in front of other; total embarrassment! There is a saying that people downgrade you to feel better about themselves and I think I really understand that to be true. When I was wrapped up in the emotionally challenged "Love" I could not see it, it is amazing to me what clarity time has brought to the situation. I could write a book on the family's dysfunction, on my side and his. My maternal family is riddled with alcohol and drug addiction; they do not hide it. They are real about it. I have just made different choices. Now in the past two years I have had to take pain medicine, it was quite a fight before I actually would give in to it. I just had to be real and know there is a right way to take medications and take them for their intended purpose. Being a daughter of a drug dependent woman gave me that fear of becoming an addict myself. I have lived in my prior marriage with "him" always degrading my family, whenever we would argue he would complain about "my family" the funny thing is he doesn't even see the dysfunction of his. It is not my place nor his to judge ppl... bottom line. I am doing the best I can just trying to pay my bills and keep my head afloat and provide for me and my daughter whom still lives with me, she's 15 now! I just pray that I have a few good years left in me my goal is to stay in this world until she is off to college. I cannot imagine her being raised anywhere else. I pray this daily. I know I have outlived this disease by 10 yrs now, I know I am blessed by every day I wake up, but I just need to be here 3 more years! Well, enough rambling, I get this way when my lungs hurt and my breaths are shallow, my CF and my future is "in my face" It makes me take a hard core look at my past, present and my future!