An early morning reflection.

I am up, since 4:00 a.m. it is now 5:30 the nurse will be here at 8:00 and I have had to break down and take something for this pain. Now I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I already know I will be groggy. I sure am ready for a turn around on this illness. I have been reading passages in the bible (which kinda scares me, am I just trying to make my soul right because I know what is before me??) I can't help think of my mom, at this stage in my journey. We had such deep conversations the week or two before her death. We talked of our lives, regrets our mistakes. We made a peace with each other and I think it was her 'repentance' I just 'had a feeling' that that's why she said the things she did. I used to just shun the conversation of 'forgiveness' of the past 'bad choices' she had made. I will never know the torture she lived. Losing the man she loved and her 1st born; I was her judge for too long, I had to finally let go. I admit I still have scars but I no longer bleed from those wounds. I have regrets in not being able to drop my life and be there for her more than she needed me I wish I had. Now, I just look back and can only say, I didn't know how sick she was. She often cried wolf. Maybe that is why I am here where I sit, wondering if people feel like I'm crying wolf again or am I just acting like 'her mother' or is this God paying me back or just the devil trying to destroy my mind and soul along with these lungs? I have lashed out at my husband as he has I. I get mad because I feel he doesn't help or he's not here because he doesn't care, and through a few melt downs I think I have misjudged again, and that hurts me too. He doesn't know how to help. He's always been the strong one and this disease has made him vulnerable and helpless. He liked the independency of me being able to care for myself. That was a common attraction. It's like when I was birthing our daughter, he wanted to take my pain away or help but couldn't and didn't know how, so helpless. So, with this he just stayed away; I think he thought if he doesn't see it, it doesn't exist. I think that is how my son handles me being ill as well. I live an hour away and we lead such separate lives. He was attached at my hip till he was about 9 then it all changed. I know he has to grow and be a man, but he'll always be my baby boy. (sorry got off subject) Hey aren't blogs for rambling right???? Back to subject; I was raised in a strict pentecostal upbringing, one would say fanatical. Too much of a good thing at the time. I still know the way in which I believe God intends for us to be and live. I think maybe that is why at this time he has brought me back to his book. I feel it should be the "Book Of Promises" I don't know what drew me to the Jonah story here at 5 a.m. but I was laying on the couch after prayer yesterday(thanks Bruce & Lorie) and was thinking of how 'down' I felt, in Miry Clay so to speak. Then, this morning I thought of Jonah being trapped in the dark guts of the whale and how he was delivered from him. I guess I don't have to understand why god put it in my heart. I am going to put it here; Jonah 2:1-10 Then Jonah prayed unto the Lord his God out of the fish's belly, and said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the Lord, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice. For thou hadst cast me into the deep, in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about: all thy billows and thy waves passed over me. Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet I will look again toward thy holy temple. The waters compassed me about, even to the soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head. I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars was about me for ever: yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O Lord my God. When my soul fainted within me I remembered the Lord: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple. They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy. But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of Thanksgiving; I will pay that that I have vowed. Salvation is of the Lord. And the Lord spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land. I feel like I am in the fish with this disease, but after some prayer and bible reading I know I have to believe in him to bring me out and through all of this. I know I am not going to live forever but I am not ready to give up the fight and let this disease take away my zest that I have always had for life. No matter how I have felt abandoned by some people in my life; I don't think it's always their fault. (like me with my mom) Life keeps us so busy we lose time. Then there are those that are close to your situation and know exactly what's going on and you speak to them and they act like they didn't even know you've been sick. "Oh, what's wrong? You don't sound so good?" Hello??? I have pneumonia some virus unknown to most humans and I'm on home iv's that sickens me like Chemo. Hmmmm, someone drop out of rocket science school? Honestly, really? Then I have a few awesome friends that I have reconnected with that want to get in their car and drive 150 miles to be here to help me right now. I just get scared to be home alone now or even with Amanda. Talk about feeling helpless. She was freakin out the 1st night I was home, she heard a noise in the middle of the night and was crying and practically crawling up my arm in fear. I was like honey it's ok, I'm here and she was like, momma you can't save me! It broke my heart so bad, because in my present state she was right. Well, I have been forcing myself to get up and move a bit, because I have lost so much of my muscle tone, strength and balance. I can only pray and have faith that God is gonna see me through this hurdle. I feel like I have so much 'unfinished' words and personal business, I just don't want it to end just yet. Keep me in your prayers... Till we meet again:-)