Up out of the bed.

I lost a day somewhere, they tell me it's Tuesday, I actually thought it was Monday. I was in bed for like 20 hrs, I think. I got up around 11 p and sat on a shower chair, barely remembering washing the sweat from my body. I just knew the chills had finally subsided long enough to tolerate coming out from under the blankets long enough to be upright to rid myself of the spoiled milk odor I had become. Thank God for Soap, bubbles and girly smells. Thank God for indoor plumbing, thank God for the sun and another day. I really wonder how much longer my life can go on this way. Unable to enjoy life anymore, I can't even hug my husband, he smells like a cigarette and my daughter I fear is afraid of me and just the 'knowing' It lingers in the air. Every breathe, every emotion everything is painful. This used to be my joy, the computer, crafting, my family life....now I strive to find joy. I cannot believe I have spun so far into an abyss. My sugar is so out of control I am cold and shaky again....279 more meds... Oh my I just read this back to myself..... I have no business rambling on this, you all must think I'm nuts. All this medication all this diagnosis all this .. Maybe I am well on my way. I just feel fear, anxiety and so much more. The fear for me now is thinking back to people who have passed away and always thinking, "she knew" "they kept saying" Just the 'knowing' now. I have been trying to see the silver linings; I always have, but somehow it's like old paint, it's turning grey instead of having the silver glimmer to it... I think I understand 'Ramblin' Rose' That could be my alternate ego today.... Well, enough is enough, I thought I'd post today, yet I have 1/2 the mind...to delete it than I would not have accomplished a damn thing today. I don't really care, raw emotion is allowed sometimes and I think it could be theraputic. If not, well than I'm none the worse.